Albrecht Women's Care "Where People Become Parents."

How To Survive the Holidays

By Traci Shahan, RN, WHNP-BC, Doctor of Nursing

It seems like a split second ago, my husband and I were
traversing the slippery slope of getting through the holiday season, childless
once again.  We have now spent more
holiday seasons as parents than we did childless but the empathy  remains.
Never too far from my frontal lobe is the indelible impression of how
delicate life is, and, consequently,
what an absolute miracle it is that I am a mom, as ours was one of the
more unique roads to parenthood.

But I digress.

Holidays are difficult for most patients I work with as an
REI nurse practitioner.  After all, it is
a time steeped in Rockwellian images, frankincense fantasies and the nearly
pandemic idea that the season is magic, what with all those tiny rein door
hooves clickety-clacking away on someone’s rooftop and Handel’s Messiah proclaiming miracles from every
speaker and stage.  Many feel guilt if
they don’t want to revel in the season or if they feel sad or even depressed
that they are childless.  After all, our
American credo is pull yourselves up by
your bootstraps already, Little Buckerina or Buckeroo, as the case may
be.  Most of us were suckled on rugged
individualism and chided to put on our happy faces even when we feel awful.

I vote this is just plain unhealthy, never mind not
authentic.  Faking feelings will, in the
end, merit feelings of low self-worth, a sense of phoniness, and outright
isolation at times.  After all, if we’re
busy pretending like we are something we’re not, we can rarely share honestly
with a trusted other what is bothering us.
And if we can’t own what’s bothering us, it will not simply go away on
its own.  One hallmark of robust mental
health is if a person feels able to confide in others, trusting them to keep
her confidences.  In short, we all need
others to whom we can bare our soul.

I have cherry-picked from our patients, as well as my own
personal experience,  the top ten most
helpful coping strategies for thriving, not just surviving, the holiday season
as person affected by infertility.

1. Intentionally cultivate trusting, loving
   relationships.  Start with one person you
   can open up to.  Tell them what it is
   like for you to be infertile during a season when you might feel obligated to
   be happy.
2. Journal.
   The power of writing down what upsets you, your dreams, in sum, your
   feelings, cannot be overstated.  Make it
   fun: go to a bookstore and purchase a beautiful journal.  Write, color, draw, cry into it.  Consider it a mental spa between two covers.
3. Protect yourself!  This is important.  Trust your gut!  Just because the company holiday party is
   where most of your coworkers will be on a given evening of the year does not
   mean you need to attend.  If you are not
   feeling up to it, by all means, go with what you know will be most comforting
   to you.  Remember, infertility is a major
   life challenge and has been likened to the degree of stress that an oncology
   patient endures.  Be gentle with
   yourself!
4. Ask for help.
   Yes, I said it and I know that it rubs against most of our American
   acculturation, but find someone you trust and ask them to help you, whether
   that means rides to medical appointments, phone calls in the middle of the
   night, emails, or having dinner together.
5. Create.
   Even if your body is (temporarily, most likely) unable to gestate at
   this time, try your hand at growing or creating something.
6. Consider soothing modalities such as a
   massage–yes, you deserve it!  You’re in
   the sisterhood of us peeps who have gone through infertility—aroma therapy or
   even light therapy.
7. Eat a little—I said little, meaning less than
   one ounce—of dark chocolate per day.  Not
   only will it increase your serotonin levels resulting in mood enhancement, but
   it’s not harmful to a pregnancy like alcohol and it’s great for heart health.
8. Moderate lean protein is helpful for many
   patients affected by infertility especially PCOS patients.  Try new, zesty sources like some of the new
   preparations of seasoned nuts (a palmful only per day or per your health
   provider’s recommendation), hummus or even tofu.
9. Take a walk with someone you love.  Challenge each other to forgo talking
   fertility during your time together, and instead tell that person how precious
   s/he is and how much you love your presence in your life.
10. Above all, consider counseling if you feel
    overwhelmed or even just to pick up helpful hints about how to deal with
    stress.  There are many excellent mental
    health professionals that specialize in helping those affected by
    infertility.  It almost goes without
    saying that, should you feel depressed to the point where you cannot function
    normally or are considering harming yourself or others, you need to obtain
    emergency mental health services.  You
    can also call 911.

Infertility is difficult for most of us.  Remember that you have a built-in network of
people who are going through the same.
You can find them on any number of websites including Fertility
Authority.  Don’t just get through this
season—thrive!